


King's New Clothes

by misura



Category: Fate/Zero
Genre: Background Het, F/M, Shopping, Silly, Timeline What Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-13 04:48:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28897644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misura/pseuds/misura
Summary: Four Servants walk into a clothes store.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	King's New Clothes

"I still utterly fail to see the point of this useless expedition," Gilgamesh said, about ten seconds after they'd entered the clothes store, which was well over five minutes later than expected.

"You were the one claiming you would only join our battle against Caster if we were to dress in garb more to your liking." Artoria frowned, staring at a mannequin displaying a dress that looked neither comfortable nor well-suited for combat.

Diarmuid scowled while keeping a wary eye on the (mostly female) shop assistants.

"As should be obvious, I _meant_ one of the many splendid outfits from my treasure house," Gilgamesh said, "since clearly, nothing sold in this market place is even remotely worthy of my attention."

"Oh, that should be obvious, should it?" Iskandar slapped his jeans. "You know, Goldie, I think you're just too picky. Look at these fine pants my Master bought me! Are they not magnificent? Nobody in my time would have been able to produce garments of such wonderful color and yet here, no one seems to think anything of it."

"That very fact should tell you what garbage they are," Gilgamesh said. "Though I suppose I cannot hold you responsible for your Master's poverty and poor taste."

"Ah! But does not the very fact that he is my Master demonstrate him to be a person of excellent taste?" Iskandar laughed. "I have you there, King of Heroes!"

"Your stupidity is of such magnitude that there seems to be no point in even speaking to you."

Iskandar laughed again. "Come now, don't be such a sore loser. Why not let me put you in a better mood by buying you a pair of pants nearly as magnificent as my own?"

"I did not think your Master would permit you to come here," Artoria said, browsing shirts.

Diarmuid bowed his head, hiding his face from a passing shopper. "He took some small amount of convincing."

Artoria held up a yellow shirt with flowers, frowning. "I wonder that you should go to such trouble."

Diarmuid shrugged. "What else is there for me to do? Besides, there is always a chance we might at last finish our duel."

Artoria dropped the shirt and resumed browsing. "Much as such a thing would please me, it would be irresponsible of me to fight anyone else until Caster is dead."

"Then, consider my presence here a safeguard." Diarmuid ducked behind a pile of sweaters.

"Somehow, I am beginning to feel it is you who needs to be safeguarded much more so than me," Artoria said.

"Tell me, what is your actual purpose in coming here?" Gilgamesh asked.

"Oh, I'm sorry, am I worthy of being spoken to again all of a sudden?" Iskandar held up a t-shirt. "What do you think?"

"Truly hideous."

Iskandar grinned. "I'll take that as a recommendation. Though it now occurs to me I'm not sure of my Master's size. Ah well, perhaps I shall simply buy several of them, in different sizes."

"If your only intent in soliciting my opinion was to roundly ignore it, why even bother asking for it?"

Iskandar shrugged. "Who said I was ignoring it? Your and me, Goldie, we're very different. That doesn't mean we do not have anything of value to offer one another."

"In my case, that is undoubtedly true. In your case, I have yet to see a single shred of proof."

"Really?" Iskandar grinned slyly. "I would have thought you'd welcome a chance to spend more time with Saber. Last time the three of us met, you seemed quite taken with her."

"That is hardly your concern," Gilgamesh said. "Unless, of course, you have an interest in her yourself, in which case it will give me even greater pleasure to squash you like the filthy bug you are."

Iskandar laughed and slapped his shoulder. "No worries on that account! My interest in Saber is strictly that of a temporary ally, I assure you. No, I dare say it's Lancer you need to worry about."

"I do not believe these rooms are intended to be used by more than one person at a time," Diarmuid said, struggling with his pants.

Artoria shrugged. "They serve well to keep you from the view of others, and we are both still able to move freely. I fail to see the problem." She took off her shirt. "Might I call on you to assist me?"

"As it is my doing you are still without the use of your left hand, it seems only fair." Diarmuid hesitated. "Saber. While I cannot regret our first meeting, there have been times when I wished ... "

"Yes," Artoria said. "Me also. However, it serves no purpose to dwell on the past, so - "

" 'It serves no purpose to dwell on the past'? Can this truly be the King of Knights I hear?" Iskandar's voice boomed from outside the changing room. "The little girl who would change her nation's fate?"

"That is an entirely different matter, Rider, and one that has no bearing on this private conversation between Lancer and I."

"Indeed?" Gilgamesh pulled aside the changing room's curtain. "And pray tell, what is the topic of this so-called private conversation that it requires you both to remove your clothes?"

Iskandar sighed as the four of them watched from a safe distance while the fire department did its job. "Well. I suppose that could have gone better."

"You can hardly hold me responsible for Archer's actions," Artoria said.

"I don't remember making any such accusation." Iskandar emptied his wine cup. "See? This is what I mean. You take too much upon yourself. You keep doing that, and sooner or later the weight of all those responsibilities is going to crush you."

Artoria sniffed.

"Rider," Diarmuid said, "if you continue to speak to Saber in such a manner, you will leave me no choice but to skewer you where you stand."

"I'm sitting down and drinking wine," Iskandar replied. "Also, may I point out that I purchased for you an excellent pair of pants, only slightly less fantastic than my own? To attack a man under such circumstances would be an act of rank ingratitude."

"Nevertheless."

"And anyway, if you're going to skewer anyone, why not Archer?"

"Because he knows full well that against my magnificence, he does not stand a chance," Gilgamesh said, "unlike you, who continues to provoke me. I can only assume you are truly desperate for death."

"Ha! Ever the jokester, aren't you?" Iskandar laughed. "Now, this has been a great deal of fun, but I must return to show my Master the magnificent shirt I have bought for him. Likewise, I imagine Lancer's Master will be most pleased to see his new attire."

Diarmuid inclined his head and de-materialized without another word.

"Between us, I can't say I think much of a Master who until now wouldn't let his Servant so much as step foot outside his home without him," Iskandar declared. "To think that man imagined himself capable of being my Master - well, I must consider it both mine and his good fortune such a thing did not come to pass."

Artoria frowned. "I must agree, though not for the reasons you quote. Still, I too have found Lancer's Master to be lacking in honor."

"Only say the word, and I shall gladly lay his head at your feet as a token of my adoration."

Iskandar rolled his eyes. "I already bought her a shirt. That is a much more suitable gift for a little girl, and one without any conditions or strings attached to it. I told you, did I not, that a king should not be stingy."

"I am more than capable of speaking for myself," Artoria said.

"Shall we hold another banquet of kings, then?" Iskandar grinned. "It might well be our last chance."

Gilgamesh scoffed and vanished.

Artoria rose and walked away to where she had parked the vehicle referred to as a 'motorcycle'.

Iskandar sighed and poured himself another cup of wine, comforting himself with the knowledge that at least his young Master should be pleased with his gorgeous new shirt.


End file.
